+++
rss = "Ragù in a slow cooker"
date = Date(2024, 10, 10)
tags = ["lyf", "recipe"]
+++

# Lazy Ragù

Craving 'em red meat sauces but too busy?  Behold,
a ragù recipe so well optimized it can boil the blood
of every pizzaliano within a 35-centimetro radius.[^steffo]

## Ingredients

I like to think my sauce is somewhere between Bologna and Napoli
even tho it sure ain't.  Imma list in the order of importance
what I usually use down here, but please adjust according to your local market
and preference, to quote chef Jean-Pierre:

> If you don't have/like it, don't use it.

1. 2 fist-sized [onyi]
2. 1 big carrot
3. A Gordon-Ramsey dash of cooking oil[^oil]
4. 600 grammi of mince from any mammal[^long pork]
5. 3 tomatoes[^tomato]
6. Salt and pepper
7. Half a bottle of drinkable red wine[^measure]
8. 'bout the same amount of [stock]
9. A few cloves of garlic
10. A couple of ribs of celery
11. Some [thyme] and basil, preferably fresh
12. Some chili
13. Paprika powder[^color]

These should produce about 2 litri of sauce or 4–6 servings,[^frozen]
for which some hard cheese(s) and butter are also nice to have.

The following tools are also needed:

1. Bowls (for storing the ingredients)
2. Kitchen sink
3. Knife and cutting board
4. Fine grater (like for cheese or citrus jest)
5. [Blender]
6. Frying pan
7. Spatula or ladle
8. Sauce pan or pot
9. Slow cooker

## Base Prepping

Peel, wash and finely dice the onyi and caramelize 'em in a pan
with some oil under low heat.  Stir sparingly, this process takes
over half an hour and should start before anything else.[^onyo]
A wee of salt would help draw out the moisture and accelerate
the caramelization, which happens well above the water's boiling point.

In the meantime, wash the other vegetables, finely grate the carrot,
peel and mince the garlic, and dice the celery.  When all done,
transfer all to the pan and continue frying until the onyi are soft
and lightly browned.

## Broth Prepping

While waiting for the base veggies to caramelize, reduce the wine
in half in a sauce pan to get rid of the alcohol.

Blend the tomatoes with the stock (it's supposed to be a purée without the peel
but ain't nobody got time for that) and the rest of the spices.  Be conservative
with the salt, you can always add more but it's much less easy to remove.

## Meat Prepping

Move the vegetables into the slow cooker from the pan and use it[^pronoun]
sear the minced meat under medium heat until the bottom side is golden brown
(no need to stir).  Parfry in multiple batches if necessary: if the pan
is crowded it'd take much longer to reach the desired temperature
for the [Maillard reaction].  Remember, _water is the enemy_,
so leave it a way to retreat.[^retreat]

## Cooking

Scoop the meat into the slow cooker and pour in the reduced wine.
Gradually add the tomato smoothie while mixing until the liquids barely
covers the solids (add more stock if necessary).

Turn the cooker on low and cook for 4–8 hours or until the meat is tender.

## Serving

Serve with short pasta or rice.  Grate in a generous amount of hard cheeses
and drop in a smol slab of butter[^butter] and mix well for extra creaminess.
Butter is an emulsion, so turn off the stove before adding it to avoid
prevent the butterfat from separating.

Plate with fresh basil and thyme and even moar grated cheese
if you have any left.

## Reflection

The recipe is not that lazy to be handy, it nor differs from a normal ragù
enough to be a rage bait, but I spent all that time typing it down
so I decided to keep the original title for the clickbait values.

[^steffo]: I'm sorry, Steffo, but thou can't stop me.
[^oil]: Vegetable oil, animal fat or even butter, smoke point doesn't matter.
[^long pork]: Yes, _any_ mammal.
[^tomato]: If not ripe and soft, add a few spoons of tomato paste.
[^measure]: Measure carefully!
[^color]: Mostly for the color.
[^frozen]: It'll last 17 years in the freezer, so just make a full pot.
[^onyo]: Onyo is always number first!
[^pronoun]: The pan, not the slow cooker.
[^retreat]: 圍師必闕。
[^butter]: Butter makes everything butter.

[onyi]: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/oignon
[stock]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stock
[thyme]: https://xkcd.com/282
[Blender]: https://www.blender.org
[Maillard reaction]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maillard_reaction